Paragon Lost Parte Dos

... I had this entry all prepared and didn't hit post. Again. I'll fall on my sword shortly.

When we last left James Vega, he was screaming "BULLSHIT" anytime anyone made a statement. Everyone hears some sort of shaking, so they go and check it out. Turns out it's that krogan from the prologue, who's named Brood. They kept him around as a prisoner because, uh, _____. They leave him behind, but they come back for him later, so no big ... ?

... okay, so Brood goes nowhere. Most of this goes nowhere. Look, if you haven't seen Paragon Lost, and you go out and see it right after reading all this, you'll realize:

• I'm leaving huge parts of this movie out.
• That's okay, because you could edit half of the stuff out and have a pretty cohesive movie still.
• Because there is a shit ton of filler.

Okay, so crap happens, they all take a swig out a canteen and swear to go on the collector ship, and then they wind up on the collector ship, but SURPRISE the collectors pod them up.

Oh, shit! Vega's in a pod! That's the end of this shit, I guess we'll have to --

... right, so that canteen I mentioned earlier? Vega spiked it with antidote for whatever it is the collectors use to paralyze people. He just pops right out. Those pods must not be that secure.

Meanwhile, Ash Ketchum Messner has kidnapped Treeya, and takes her to a Prothean database thing. He needs someone to interface with it and get the data, but it turns out that it's killed every human that has tried to interface with it.

Like, Treeya doesn't put up any fight, no trepidation, just WELP LEMMIE AT IT.

Hey, didn't Shepard interface with a Prothean interface? It didn't kill her.

So anyway, she sees this shit:

and comes to the same conclusion we already came to:

The collectors capture them both and get pissed, especially with Messner, who brought an asari aboard their human fuck juice factory.

As Messner pushes Treeya into a collector pod, she manages to steal a cuff that he was wearing. The collectors, uncaring for Messner's animu accessories, seal Treeya up and send her flying through the air.

Okay, now: I understand I'm little miss bad art, but you've got to believe me, this next section is framed just like I've drawn here.

Treeya goes flying past Vega to a ... uh, hole in the collector ship.

Vega shoots off in the distance because .... welp.

This part cracks me up every time, I can't draw it as funny as it is in the DVD. Like, Vega shoots some rocks above the hole, they fall, and Treeya goes careening out into space.

Why is there just a hole going out into space? Wouldn't all the air rush out?

Meanwhile, the colonists have escaped from their pods!

Yay! April! Hi April!

Okay, but bigger problem: the collector's ship is now crashing!

Shit, we've got to stop the ship from crashing and save the --

Oh, wait, Treeya's calling.

... Hmm, okay, so we can't save both because, uh, _____. Let's just pretend Vega doesn't have charm/intimidate.

But the only real advantage to saving Treeya is the data. And Vega gettin' some blue, I guess, but that's not really a consideration since I don't care if Vega gets laid or not. Here's the thing, that cuff has the data that Treeya mined off the collector's ship. If we save the collector's ship, we get the colonists and we can just call another asari and get the data. Hell, we can just *69 Liara if we want.

Also, remember, this is the same series who allowed Shepard's body to survive both reentry to an atmosphere and planet fall unharmed, Treeya's chances are pretty good inside that pod.

Besides, April's on the collector's ship, and she rules. Right. It's decided, let's save the colo --

BULLSHIT

VEGA YOU GOD DAMN STUPID FUCKSTICK. FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOHAWK AND EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER LOVED.

This isn't the reason I hate Vega so much, but killing April is ON THE DAMN LIST.

So Vega saves the ship by, uh, _____. I have no idea how that works out, it just fades to white. There's two Anderson and Hackett impersonators that want to see everyone, let us travel to the Citadel --

Oh, how the nerds lost their collective shit to see the Citadel just, like, chillaxin' outside Earth.

I'm not doing the end to Paragon Lost, it's so bad it's embarrasing. But it's important to note that the Hackett and Anderson impersonators promote Vega to lt. commander, which is a huge plot hole. Vega's not a lt. commander in ME3! Even better, Shepard is a lt. commander, so says the wiki, but at the beginning of Mass Effect 3, she outranks the fuck out of him. Unless the Alliance promoted Shepard when she became a spectre? But we never saw that happen. So which is it?!

Of course, Vega's got some N7 armor in the last shot, which shits directly in the face of ME3, so maybe we need to get over it and move on.

NEXT TIME: Hey, what does Hackett look like? Let's find out!