Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel, I fart around in MSPaint trying to make an alien and a human take a leak in a urinal.
(I have notes in my notebook now as to what the construction of the Normandy's men's room looks like. You're welcome.)
No living clue why the hell you all keep coming back each week.
So Cerberus has this one kid that they did experiements on to see if they could make her super biotic.
... no, sorry, there's two. There's our good friend Gillian Grayson, and then there's the subject of today's entry, Subject Zero, also known as Jack (who is female, it's short for Jacqueline).
Hang with me, because I got curious/confused and had to figure this out. Cerberus abducted Jack in 2165 when she was four years old because she had such high biotic power, and they were interested in advancing human biotics. They did a bunch of experiments on her, some spoiler shit happened, and I'll get to the end of that story in a second.
Mass Effect Ascension takes place in 2183, and Gillian was ... ten or eleven, I think, meaning she was born in 2172 at the earliest. They don't say it out loud, but it's a damn fine bet that whatever they learned from Jack back in the 2160s was what Jiro and Paul were doping Gillian with, which answers the question of why the story has two superbiotic young girls running around. Sort of. If you're confused, I can just draw Garrus peeing again.
Back to 2185, Jack is currently being held in a high security penal colony run by the Blue Suns. ... I don't get it either, I know they're crooks, but this is what the story's giving me, damn it. However, Cerberus has paid her bond, and it's up to Shepard to pop her.
Anyway, the guard takes Shepard to look at Jack.
They're not fucking around with this whole high security shit, Jack is literally kept in a little capsule that's moved around by a crane. Damn. Is she dangerous or something?
Well, let's go to outprocessing and see what's up.
The other prisoners are scared of her? Damn, Cerberus, the fuck you got us in to?
Anyway, let us arrive at outprocessing.
Anyone who didn't see that a mile off doesn't play enough video games.
The guard's got it figured out: it's more worth his while to capture Shepard and her two compatriots and sell them off than to give up Jack. So, now we've got a whole jail full of guards chasing Shepard! Damn! We sure could use some help!
Shepard does, uh, science, and causes the capsule to release.
We ... we must pause here for a moment and talk.
My friends, my real life friends, yes I actually have some, when they found out I was doing MSPixel, responded with, "You fucking nerd."
But after that, the second question out of their mouths, almost universally, was, "What the hell are you going to do when you get to Jack?"
I can draw the other characters in triangles big space armor, but Jack, she ... um. She. Um. Doesn't. ... doesn't wear space armor. She. She. She, ummmm ...
I am so sorry. You don't even know.
But in my admittedly weak defense, Bioware didn't give me a lot to work with. Literally. Jack does not wear a shirt. She has a ... would you call that a tit strap? I guess, and that keeps the game from getting an AO rating from the ESRB. You can understand how important that is in a game where you can get a face full of alien wing wang.
No, but hey, look, guys!
She's really good at biotics! See! See all the blue shit? She goes zap, and ... then ... there's blue ...
You're not looking. I understand. There are boobies.
Back in the booth:
(Well?! Didn't you have the same face?)
(I can make these jokes, I was elected President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee last year. I put that shit on my damn resume.)
Okay, and also there's a prison riot, on top of the tits (but of course secondary to said tits), so we've got to fight our way through that.
Eventually, Shepard and pals come up against the warden himself.
... okay, I've spent like the last fifteen minutes laughing myself stupid at my little Warden. Look at him. He's perfect.
I'm sorry, this is a serious art blog, I'll draw in the real warden now.
... FUCK I just missed a perfect chance for a Dragon Age reference. Whatever, I'll work it in.
Once you dispense of him, you run into Jack, and she runs into the Normandy, which has a big ass Cerberus logo on it now. She shits a brick, since Cerberus was the one who experimented on her, but Shepard wants her on her crew, so ... hmm.
GOD I wish this was the last time we'll about breasts.
NEXT TIME: Jack does not get a shirt.
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