Samara: THIS. IS. MASS EFFECT.

Hopefully that's all the alien sex we have to deal with today! Hey, speaking of exposed chests, Samara wants to see her. Wonder what's going on with this?

Fucking blue hell shit fuck damnit Bioware.

No, this is this mission. We're going to go have sex with Samara's daughter. Samara is a sex vampire hunter, remember, of course she is, because this is a Bioware game. Why the hell would she hunt any other vampires? Who do you think made this game, fucking Valve? I don't see no Big Daddies or Covenant aliens, jack. Clear eyes, full hearts, lube up, THIS IS BIOWARE.

Horny ass game. Of course it is. We already watched Grunt get his first erection, it's not like the Bioware writers have proven themselves shy or squeemish or anything.

Fuck it. What is Shepard, if not Captain James T. Kirk, the finest officer Star Fleet has ever known? That was a man who had a chick bent over the bridge console like once every eight hours. I'm honestly quite surprised it took us this long to get to a "sex up an alien" plot.

Samara thinks that Morinth is on Omega. She suggests that perhaps we can ask Aria where, exactly, Morinth is on the station. Isn't that kind of space racist? Whatever, let's go and get it over with.

Let's go off to the tenements, then. When Samara and Shepard get over there, they find a crying woman.

(Ardat-yakshi kill their prey by overloading their nervous system.)

Nef's mom lets them into Nef's apartment to search for clues.

(Diaries are holographic in the future.)

Grunt: The Guddamn Thresher Maw

Oh, Zaeed. I really should do more openers with him. Zaeed tells a hundred and seventy five stories throughout the entire Mass Effect canon, let me summarize them for you:

• "I _____ once."
• *mundane shit happens*
• "Everyone died."

The man can't go to the gas station and get a snickers without leaving a blood trail, he's awful.

I am only assuming that that's what public libraries look like in Canada.

So I think I'll give Garrus a rare break today!

I had planned to take Zaeed on this mission anyway, but now it becomes extra significant: Robin Sachs, Zaeed's voice actor, died very recently. Let's have an MSPixel for him.

The party meets the shaman in the Tuchanka wastelands.

I mean, the whole damn planet is a wasteland, but.

Uh. So. Let's get to pressing that keystone.

(Who the hell is that that comes over the loud speaker? Do the krogans just, like, have a guy that hangs out and waits for baby krogans to hit puberty?)

Anyway, a few varren come out, that's not so bad.

Shep, hit that keystyone again.

(That's the rachni. Just in case.)

I worry that some day someone from the Bioware art department will find MSPixel and just bawl their eyes out.

Shep, the keystone, let's go.

SHIT! That's our old friend the thresher maw!

(My husband saw me drawing this and asked if I was drawing Thresher Martin Mull. Ar har har har. Where's your serious art blog?)

Yeah, so, I found like the one guy in the game you can't charge.

The first time I played this, my vanguard ass took cover and hid the whole time. Shepard says it herself, all you have to do is survive.

This time, I managed to kill him with the particle beam, but this is MSPixel, I can kill him any God damn way I want.

Any guddamn way I want.

Ladies and gentlemen: the only Zaeed story where someone survives.

Uvnek shows up and goes all Mean Girls on the party.

I bet at least one person thought I left the headbutt out of the last entry out of ignorance. Nah, I knew what I was doing.

Let's go see Wrex.

NEXT TIME: *gross sobbing* It's going to be that mission.