Subject Zero: I Am So Sorry

Man. You probably see some shit on a multispecies space mission, don't you? Especially if you've never been on one before.

Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel, I fart around in MSPaint trying to make an alien and a human take a leak in a urinal.

(I have notes in my notebook now as to what the construction of the Normandy's men's room looks like. You're welcome.)

No living clue why the hell you all keep coming back each week.

So Cerberus has this one kid that they did experiements on to see if they could make her super biotic.

... no, sorry, there's two. There's our good friend Gillian Grayson, and then there's the subject of today's entry, Subject Zero, also known as Jack (who is female, it's short for Jacqueline).

Hang with me, because I got curious/confused and had to figure this out. Cerberus abducted Jack in 2165 when she was four years old because she had such high biotic power, and they were interested in advancing human biotics. They did a bunch of experiments on her, some spoiler shit happened, and I'll get to the end of that story in a second.

Mass Effect Ascension takes place in 2183, and Gillian was ... ten or eleven, I think, meaning she was born in 2172 at the earliest. They don't say it out loud, but it's a damn fine bet that whatever they learned from Jack back in the 2160s was what Jiro and Paul were doping Gillian with, which answers the question of why the story has two superbiotic young girls running around. Sort of. If you're confused, I can just draw Garrus peeing again.

Back to 2185, Jack is currently being held in a high security penal colony run by the Blue Suns. ... I don't get it either, I know they're crooks, but this is what the story's giving me, damn it. However, Cerberus has paid her bond, and it's up to Shepard to pop her.

Anyway, the guard takes Shepard to look at Jack.

They're not fucking around with this whole high security shit, Jack is literally kept in a little capsule that's moved around by a crane. Damn. Is she dangerous or something?

Well, let's go to outprocessing and see what's up.

The other prisoners are scared of her? Damn, Cerberus, the fuck you got us in to?

Anyway, let us arrive at outprocessing.

Anyone who didn't see that a mile off doesn't play enough video games.

The guard's got it figured out: it's more worth his while to capture Shepard and her two compatriots and sell them off than to give up Jack. So, now we've got a whole jail full of guards chasing Shepard! Damn! We sure could use some help!

Shepard does, uh, science, and causes the capsule to release.

We ... we must pause here for a moment and talk.

My friends, my real life friends, yes I actually have some, when they found out I was doing MSPixel, responded with, "You fucking nerd."

But after that, the second question out of their mouths, almost universally, was, "What the hell are you going to do when you get to Jack?"

I can draw the other characters in triangles big space armor, but Jack, she ... um. She. Um. Doesn't. ... doesn't wear space armor. She. She. She, ummmm ...

I am so sorry. You don't even know.

But in my admittedly weak defense, Bioware didn't give me a lot to work with. Literally. Jack does not wear a shirt. She has a ... would you call that a tit strap? I guess, and that keeps the game from getting an AO rating from the ESRB. You can understand how important that is in a game where you can get a face full of alien wing wang.

No, but hey, look, guys!

She's really good at biotics! See! See all the blue shit? She goes zap, and ... then ... there's blue ...

You're not looking. I understand. There are boobies.

Back in the booth:

(Well?! Didn't you have the same face?)

(I can make these jokes, I was elected President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee last year. I put that shit on my damn resume.)

Okay, and also there's a prison riot, on top of the tits (but of course secondary to said tits), so we've got to fight our way through that.

Eventually, Shepard and pals come up against the warden himself.

... okay, I've spent like the last fifteen minutes laughing myself stupid at my little Warden. Look at him. He's perfect.

I'm sorry, this is a serious art blog, I'll draw in the real warden now.

... FUCK I just missed a perfect chance for a Dragon Age reference. Whatever, I'll work it in.

Once you dispense of him, you run into Jack, and she runs into the Normandy, which has a big ass Cerberus logo on it now. She shits a brick, since Cerberus was the one who experimented on her, but Shepard wants her on her crew, so ... hmm.

GOD I wish this was the last time we'll about breasts.

NEXT TIME: Jack does not get a shirt.

Garrus: Omegan Face Off

We last left everyone strategizing heavily as to how to get Garrus away from all three Omegan merc bands alive.

... hush, "Omegan" is a word now.

Oh, right, and we also last left them all being horny as hell for each other, as this is Mass Effect.

Hey, but how did Garrus get into this situation? See, he got fed up with working as a mall cop on the Citadel, and decided to come to Omega to clean the place up. Motherfucker likes a challenge. He assembled a team of twelve men to serve with him. One day he came back to find eleven of them dead, as the twelfth, a turian named Sidonis, had betrayed him to the mercs and ran.

Really.

Jeeeeeesus Christ, suuuuuuuuper star, do you think you're who they say you are ....

Bioware apparently forgot that they were a Canadian videogame company temporarily, decided that they were Japanese, and just tossed biblical imagery all over the place. Did you notice that we're on Omega? And Aria lives in Afterlife? Oh, and hey, weren't we chasing Archangel? This stuff isn't accidental!

What's really funny is that they have a character named Shepard running around who literally was resurrected from the dead during the third day year by the Lazarus project and yet this is where they went with Garrus' whole story arc. How many Jesuses can one galaxy hold?

I won't spoil it, but it's seriously going to keep going to a deeply weird place if we follow the symbolism all the way through. Miranda works out to be a pretty decent Mary Magdalene if you're in to that, though.

Also, all this Jesus on Jesus action that we're seeing. What does that even ... ? Bioware, honey, what?

All right, I'll shut up long enough to get Garrus off Omega. I am amazed, however, amazed that we'll be able to do this without seeing even one cross.

Shepard and buddies go downstairs and shoot the hell out of some stuff while Garrus continues to snipe. The mercs activate a mech at one point, but in the last segment, you could hack it, thus causing it to turn now on all the other merc guys and kill them dead.

Kind of having trouble remembering where hacking giant robots so that they kill people fits into the Lord's plan for us all, but I don't have a degree in Judeo-Christian studies so what do I know. But damnit I played Xenogears and that should count for the coursework.

After a few waves of mercs, it looks like we're all clear to --

shut up that's a door okay

Or, alternate explanation, the mercs figured out how to bust through the basement. Shit.

There are shutters in the basement that can lock the mercs out, if Shepard can get to them and shut them down.

Welcome to one of the hardest parts of the game.

God, true story, once I pulled my SI joint? Also known as my ass bone. That is the medically accepted term. I put icy hot on it. Do not put icy hot on your ass.

See, look at you, learning shit off MSPixel. That whole image set is history and science all in one go.

Providing you can get Shepard doused off and the shutters shut, you then return to Garrus.

Shit, wait, didn't Garrus already disable one of those? Alone? The mercs must be REALLY desperate at this point.

Shepard's a soldier, though, she's used to being under fire. Ain't no thing for her to just hide behind some cover and shoot shit out.

I said Shepard was a soldier, not Garrus.

I don't know what to tell you, Bioware just shot Batman Jesus in the face.

Cerberus is pretty good at medical miracles, though, so they take a shot at it ...

We need to pause right here. Even if you haven't played the game, you've probably figured out that I'm not rendering the characters in 100% HD accuracy. Even still, I'm probably butchering turians the most, and even then, out of all the turians, I am fucking Garrus way up.

This is what mofo looks like when he's not being rendered in MSPaint, if you were wondering.

See? That's not a three eared bunny rabbit with a white patch on his face. I can't even fit the face tattoos on the face, there's no room, and MSPaint is not the most delicate of art tools. (Turians have facial tattoos to distinguish what clans or families they're from.) I'm not sure even how long I'm going to be able to keep drawing that bandaid on his face, it takes up a lot of precious face space.

As much shit as I give Bioware, and oy vey it is a lot, their art team has to be the best on the planet. Whatever the hell they're paying those guys, they need to double it. Triple it. I mean, just on the alien designs alone they've proven that they're worth like five times their salary.

Anyway, on with the story. How does Shepard greet her friend? With a chorus of hallelujah, you're okay? With questions about how Garrus spent his time on Omega?

Nope.

I love how there's at least one person out there who thinks I'm shitting. You know you get different, less horny dialogue if you play as dude Shepard?

Aww, that's awful sweet. That's a lovely note to end our Omegan odyssey on, don't you think? Hey, next time, I'm thinking we'll --

FOR FUCK'S SAKE CUT IT OUT

NEXT TIME: I DON'T KNOW STRAIGHT HUMPIN OR SOME BULLSHIT GOD DAMN