Thessia: We Got Our Cereal Ate

Last time, we found ourselves a droid that explained the ending of Mass Effect 3 to us.

Wait, Kai Leng is indoctrinated?

... but Shepard doesn't really have any data. Vendetta never told us what the catalyst was.

Either way, we gotta fight about it.

We would take care of this in the usual way --

-- except Kai Leng has this gunship?

And it'll wreck your shit in a hurry. That fucker was shooting me from behind cover, it's nasty.

Either way, Kai Leng will wuss out before the fight stops.

I'm not fucking kidding either, Kai Leng just chucks Liara at Javik.

Shepard takes a billion pot shots and hits nothing, as she is wont to do.

Kai Leng rolls up to the beacon, shooting a column on his way for good measure to make sure the entire temple explodes.

Hard hitting science fiction.

Of course, this very nearly lands on our hero.

Shepard's so fucking fat that she cracks the floor and goes right on through to her untimely demise.

Not that death has ever really stopped her, but you know.

I think someone's still bitter over Brother Tim judging our ability to broke shadows!

Shepard runs after Kai Leng, taking pot shots at the gunship, but I think we all know how well pot shots work out for her.

Those are reapers moving in on the horizon, there, children. Thessia's fallen.

"Okay, Bean, but what if we took the renegade path?" There's no renegade path.

"But what if you complete the level under a certain time?" That doesn't do it either.

"What if we didn't have Jav -- " Yo, I'm not kidding, we just lost a whole planet. This is an inescapable plot point, Kai Leng rolls in, steals our Lucky Charms important catalyst data, and rolls out while Shepard is powerless.

... sorry.

Thessia: Vendetta

Welcome to this edition of Javik Shits on Everything Liara Knows.

Even though, I'll be honest, I have no idea how Queen Doctorate in Prothean History From Space University didn't pick up on this one.

(I have a little trouble writing Javik's pissy dialog because I just can't see Javik swearing.)

This is the theme for today: Shepard does all the work while Javik and Liara fight like children in the back seat.

Those dead bodies are at the feet of a huge ass statue. Hey Liara, sup with that statue?

Where have we seen that before?

ilu javik

You have to go around the temple and find "connections," or green lines that make the statue glow. Find them all and the statue blows up.

Shit, son, that is a beacon!

Ey yo, what does this remind you of?

Notice that Vendetta doesn't answer the question. Very sneaky, Bioware.

If you get one thing out of this entry, I want you read this next panel. No, fuck that, I want everyone to memorize this next panel. I need you to cross stitch this next panel. Vendetta is about to tell us how Mass Effect 3 ends.

This is the actual dialog from the game.

WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?!

Actually, Vigil told us the same thing.

So how does Shepard get Vendetta to tell us what we need?

Like that.

So anyway, what's the catalyst? Here we go, here's what we've sunk 45 hours of gameplay into, the catalyst is --

... huh?

Thessia: Also They Were Delicious

Hey, happy new year tomorrow!

Anyway, Thessia. A picturesque planet rich in history.

Then, the reapers came along and ate its shit.

Does it bother anyone else that Liara is totally Queen Sensitivity during this?

Something Husbando~ and I noticed while we were playing this section again:

Did anyone else notice how damn dark this level is? It takes place during the day! You can't see shit! We were fiddling with the settings on the TV and everything, it was awful. I thought that rule #1 in video game level design was that the player has to see some shit.

Anyway, we roll up to the temple, but:

Kurin finds Shepard and is all like, "We's all gon die!" which makes sense, because this huge harvester comes in and wrecks the asari military's shit pretty hard. We have to take out the harvester to proceed.

One problem.

That fucker is hard. My vanguard ass had nearly no useable powers and a pea shooter, so I was really, really stuck.

I'm not even kidding, I beat the guy, but it was 95% luck and 5% Liara and Javik spamming every power they knew.

Let's see what's inside the temple.

... I am aware that I'm a shit.

Santa might have brought me a WiiU, and maybe I've been playing too much Hyrule Warriors.

Do you know how hard I looked for a useable picture of the buster sword? Feh, they're a matched set.

We'll let Javik stomp more on Liara's world next time.