The Geth Dreadnaught: Gerrel Shot First

Okay, come on. We're almost off. Let's get it.

Sassmaster Legion. Or perhaps Legion-Sassmaster?

The next portion of plot, while important, happens all over the comm system.

So the only thing I really know to do is do it up 1990s sitcom style:

Naw, this is happening, Gerrel's about to shoot us clean out of the galaxy. See why I labeled him "Casey Hudson levels of ass" in the diagram?"

Does anyone notice that this is a common pattern in the Mass Effect series? This conversation happens at least once per plotline:

It kind of puts me in a weird position as a parodist (and really, that's all we're all going to care about, is me): on the one hand, yay, dumb shit, but on the other hand, it kind of looks like I'm lying or straw manning Mass Effect. Really? Nope. You go fact check me on YouTube, Gerrel does exactly what I'm saying he does here because "why the hell not."

... oh my GOD, Bioware writers, SO CLOSE. Of course the geth wouldn't have escape pods, they're fucking robots, they don't need to escape from anything, they just back themselves up to the cloud or whatever.

WHY THE HELL, THEN, DO THEY HAVE FIGHTERS? And why does a physical geth unit have to fly it? Couldn't they just network into it?

My xbox controller can connect wirelessly to the xbox to play a game, but a geth remotely controlling a fighting ship IS A STEP TOO FAR, SIRS.

Naw, fine, whatever, let's get on that fighter and get back to the Normandy.

Shepard has one hell of a space skype conference with Hackett.

I love that scene, because the game straight up acknowledges that it's being cray.

Anyway, let's see what the admirals are up to.

Shepard, of course, has a reasonable and even-keeled reaction.

I think there were a few of you who were waiting for this scene? Welcome to the only renegade interrupt I ever take.

Naw, that's what happens, Shepard cold cocks Gerrel in the ball pit.

Shepard punches a guy in the balls. "Hey, Bean, why is Shepard your favorite character again?" Yo.

"Bean, I don't believe you." Then let us turn to the magic of YouTube!

... I think that implies that Han'Gerrel could stay on the Normandy if you hadn't damaged his sack, but I don't know what he'd do other than provide flavor text. Maybe. I know he doesn't give out any missions.

Literally no one knows the answer to this, because every single person punches that fucker straight in the coin purse.

You want to talk 90s sitcom? Here's your 90s sitcom: She's a quarian admiral, and he's a fully functioning mobile AI unit, what wacky hijinks will ensue?

The Geth Dreadnaught: Big Balls

FIRST THING'S FIRST: Dear friend of MSPixel, MSPal Scott Foss has decided to argue my anti-AI stance with this piece of fan art.

Thank you, Mr. Foss, you have changed many a heart today. (No, seriously, thank you, I love it when you guys do crazy stuff for me!)

Okay, so last time we were running away furiously, right? Quick! Everyone to the elevator!

Oh hush, Camp Chrono is nigh upon us and y'all goin' have to get used to some Chrono Trigger around here.

Story time? Story time. I seem to remember a ton of these jrpg "get in the elevator and fight the guys!" sequences from the SNES era. In an effort to spare y'all more Chrono Trigger, I went looking for a screenshot of the one from Final Fantasy 3. 6. Whatever makes you yell at me less. Am I making that up? I thought there was one! I couldn't find it, though, so I typed in "chrono trigger elevator." GIS spit out a screenshot of the elevators in Mass Effect 1.

Sunrise, sunset, children.

The point I'm trying to make is, we're in an elevator, this is ... not quite an RPG, but it's grandaddy was one, so we should know what comes next.

Yeah, yeah, naw, she can save the whole citadel, bring down an entire hive of collectors, but naw I totes believe a wayward shot from some punk robot tipped Commander Vertigo Shepard over the edge of a jrpg elevator.

Probably thrown in there for the talimancers. Gross. Let's continue on. Shepard eventually comes up on some bigass ball.

Since this is a jrpg it's probably mako naw, but freal, let's see:

I'm sorry, I've laughed about Dashcon for days.

Okay, but freals:

So before we help Legion down, let's talk it to death!

Tali has a damn point, Legion is right there at the epicenter of the broadcast. But naw, Shepard trusts him because ... um ... I don't know, I guess once a man wears your titty, you have an unbreakable bond.

Obviously Shepard took one look at Scott Foss' fanart and was convinced.

Legion is retelling the Morning War very quickly, of course. Remember, "creators" is the geth word for "quarians" and "old machines" are "reapers."

And we'll go into it more later, but the geth gained sentience, the quarians flipped the hell out, war war war, and we then come to the events of the Mass Effect series.

Hold on. Old machines and geth together. Didn't we already do a mission like this? Does that mean ... ?

Okay, so, uh, Legion's loyalty mission was bullshit. That's always a good feeling.

Like Legion says, you can undo it on the far side of the room.

Wow! That sure is violent! Luckily next time we won't have any violence or shooting or anything!

NEXT TIME: I am a liar.

Onboard The Geth Dreadnaught: I Told You So!

Hey, good news MSPixel MSPals, Chiktika's back!

Also she's mean as hell.

I had Chiktika set up for distance? She was rocketing dudes from across the map, it was nuts.

We gots to do mission stuff.

By the way, Tali has a rad new ability. Or maybe it's not new, I don't give a shit.

AI hacking! Tali can take over a geth and make it a temporary fourth squadmate.

Until that bullshit happens.

Once the room is clear, Shepard and Tali go to shut the signal off.

... do you know how long I worked to make that hologram not look like a penis? Much longer than you think. Holy shit. I am so sorry.

Now the penis has veins. This is all on my bad art skills, this isn't in the game.

Did nobody seem to remember that the battery is the shootey part? Won't there be ... whatever it is that geth shoot going THROUGH the battery!?

All right, fine, let's go up the damn battery even though this is dumb as hell.

OH GEE WHAT DID I JUST SAY

So anyway, fuck this part. You can avoid the blasts if you take cover, of course.

Except there's still geth all over.

It works out for both of them just as well as you'd expect.