Homeworlds: Liara

Before we start today, did any of you all need Cerberus bed sheets?

Because Wal-Mart has your back, man. Wal-mart's got you.

Okay, so. Homeworlds. Homeworlds is a four-issue comic book, each issue concentrating on a character from the Mass Effect series. We already visited Homeworlds 2 with Tali. In that entry, I was trying to keep some spoilers from you all, but we're at a point where Homeworlds isn't going to spoil shit for anyone, so I can be more clear:

• Homeworlds 1 is about James Vega. It probably came first because Vega was shiny and new and people were interested in him. This comic sucks and Vega sucks so I'm not touching it. (It takes place on fucking Earth! This is Mass Effect! Set it somewhere nuts! Why would you set your rad ass sci fi story with blue ladies and giant tentacle aliens ON EARTH!?)
• We did Homeworlds 2, that's Tali. It's neat because it explains how Tali got ahold of Holyshitsarenisguiltyasthelivinghell.mp3.
• Homeworlds 3 is Garrus, and spoils the shit out of his recruitment mission. It's not bad, but it's not a story like the others, it's a disjointed collection of scenes. I have no idea how to MSPixel it. Still kind of neat if you're a Garrus fan.
• Homeworlds 4 is Liara.

Anyway, this comic starts out with Liara talking to Admiral Hackett:

Liara and Hackett are, by the way, totes best girlfriends now. I'm not sure how Hackett got in contact with her. I mean, he knew her from ME1, but, like, tangentally? He went from reading her name on Shepard's reports to omg ~totally~ BFFs who watch Lifetime together and empty cartons of Ben and Jerry's while doing so.

Whichever. Hackett wants information on the reapers, and was hoping Liara would have information, what with her broking shadows and shit. All Liara knows is that the Protheans might have had a reaper weapon that might be fixable if we could get ahold of it.

Anyway, since Hackett is her bestie 5ever, she travels to Thessia to check through the asari archives.

Kay, so, Liara decides to go to Kahje. The comic book is really confusing here: it calls Kahje a drell settlement. Which is true, but:

Why the fuck is it floating on water?

NERD SCIENCE LESSON TIME: Drell don't do well with humidity. It gets in their gills and makes them cough and stuff. Way too much humidity causes something called Kepral's Syndrome, which is what Thane is busy dying from.

I had to look this up, but Kahje is the hanar homeworld. The drell's homeworld, Rakhana, was once a desert planet that could support life. However, the drell don't give a hoot, they pollute. The hanar kindly evacuated the drell to Kahje, which was kind, but they can't really live there? But they do anyway? Shit's weird.

Liara needs to get to the Prothean archive on Kahje, so a drell named Quoyle offers to take her in his submarine ship thing. I have no idea why a desert species is also awesome at underwater navigation, just go with me here.

no one promised you good art

Shit! The archive's defense system is firing at them! It manages to hit, causing the ship to leak.

Which holy crap is so true and we will have a long discussion about that once we get to ME3 multiplayer but right now, hey, we made it into the archives!

Liara begins to read up when an old friend calls her.

I'm not sure why The Illusive Man, leader of CERBERUS thinks an alien is going to play ball, but I guess we gotta give Brother TIM props for trying?

Liara disconnects the call, and for some reason Quoyle is super impressed that Liara cold hung up on him.

So anyway, let's report back to Hackett.

Hey, Liara, what should be our next move?

Don't forget, humans discovered the Prothean archive on Mars, which is what allowed them to propel into the universe and start a war with the turians. Liara seems to think the Mars archive will have some good shit.

Maybe we'll run into her soon!

Homeworlds 2: Tali

I couldn't decide whether or not to do Homeworlds or Ascension next, but I've finished reading Homeworlds and I haven't yet finished Ascension, so that solves that right quick for us.

Homeworlds is a collection of comics about a handful of the playable characters in the Mass Effect universe, giving us a little bit of background on who's in our party. Each issue focuses on a different character. We're doing issue two first, because issue three contains Mass Effect 2 spoilers and I'm trying really hard to be chronological, issue one contains Mass Effect 3 spoilers and also is about a character that I hate with an undending passion and I'm trying to avoid them for as long as possible, and issue four? Comes out in a few days, so I haven't read it. Solves that nicely.

Issue two is about Tali and the events leading up to Mass Effect 1.

PLEASE tell me you remember all the shit about a quarian's pilgramidge. Remember? Back in this entry?

Wait, shit. I never actually said what one was, did I. Fuck. Okay. Real quick: Upon turning 18 years old, a quarian leaves its original ship in the Flotilla to go out into the wide wide galaxy and explore. They're expected to return to a new ship in the Flotilla with some sort of gift for the fleet -- food, supplies, information, anything useful. The captain then welcomes the young quarian back into the Flotilla with open arms.

A quarian who hasn't gone on their pilgramidge yet is Whatevertheir'nameis nar Shipname. Tali's full name is Tali'Zorah nar Rayya because she was born on the Rayya. Once Tali brings back her stuff to a new ship, she'll become Tali'Zorah vas Something, something being whatever her new ship is. Even if you haven't played the next two games, I'd bet cashmoneyrecords you can guess what her name ends up being.

Tali's dad is a big shot guy on the quarian Admirality Board, so she's expected to bring back something AWESUM. So she's cruisin' along the galaxy on a ship with her buddy Keenah'Breizh.

... okay, I have no fucking clue how to draw a dude quarian. Their helmets are a little more narrow. I tried, but it doesn't translate nicely into the ~delicate rendering~ of MSPaint. Y'all gonna hate my ass when we get to Kal'Reegar.

Anyway, their ship picks up some geth activity on a planet below. Hey, geth parts! That's the kind of shit that would REALLY impress a ship captain! Naturally, Tali jumps right on down to the planet.

Shit! We just got some file totally implicating some dude named Saren of some bad shit, and then we got shot at! Oh mean, there's a head scratcher. What's going on?

Once back on the ship, Tali's able to listen to the file and look at it a little closer, what with the absense of bullets whizzing past her helmet and all. Apparently this guy named Saren, he's totally a Spectre, right? He ordered a geth attack on Eden Prime, a human colony. But that's silly, what series of events would possibly cause Saren, a turian, to hate humans? Still, that's a Spectre doing bad shit. Tali figures that she and Keenah should go to the Citadel and let the council hear the file.

I love how at least one person out there thought I was being flip about Sarenistotally100%guilty.mp3. No, that is really honestly seriously Mass Effect canon.

That last picture, by the way? Is totally accurate. There's a sniper on an upper ledge of the balcony of the Citadel firing in broad daylight on Tali and Keenah and no one even blinks an eye. Everyone's just all, "Tut tut, it looks like bullets," and goes about finding their favorite shops on the Citadel.

The fuck, was C-Sec all out at Chora's Den right then? How in the hell does that get past anyone?

But it does, somehow. Tali and Keenah hoof it through the Citadel. Even though Keenah gets grazed by a bullet, Tali manages to drag him to a trash chute, which they dive through.

(Sorry kids, Keenah bites it. Quarian immune systems can't handle gun shot wounds.)

Do you remember me saying something about Tali being an incredibly capable character?

Yeah. She presses the incinerate button and lights the sniper on fucking fire. Get it, gurl.

Tali winds up in the care of Barla Von and Dr. Chloe Michel, whom you likely remember, and gets checked out.

I hope no one's holding their breath for me to MSPaint Kingdom Hearts, by the way, because that shit is not going to happen.

NEXT TIME: Sea salt ice cream. WAIT. NO. FUCK.