Citadel: Always Use Protection

Citadel: Pilot His Grizzly

Okay, probably I should go on with the Citadel scenes? But holy shit.

You've probably noticed that, when applicable and interesting, I've been adding in the YouTube videos of the romantic scenes in this section. I went and looked up Cortez's and choked.

Like, it starts the same way.

And I assume that Dudeshep also pukes when Cortez turns off the inertia dampeners, so let's go ahead and conjure that image.

What follows is the actual dialog from the game.

YOU FELL OUT OF YOUR CHAIR TOO, RIGHT?

Like, that's what we're all supposed to believe now, that going into trivial shit about the do that you do so well is somehow sexy.

No, no, and here, let me make it better, instead of being like, "So hey, scoot on over here and let me play some pocket pool," Steve just keeps fucking going.

Apparently Husbando~ doesn't know anything, because Shepard and Cortez go back in the back and fuck. I guess they fuck in all the puke. Holy hell this is a weird scene.

I understand that it's just a very unfortunate way that the flag triggers, but ... damnit, do you need to watch it? Here, watch it:

Jeez, that was hard to watch. Thankfully, Ashley has invited us out drinking.

I tell Husbando~ all the time, that's how you can tell who the sexy people are, they actually give a shit about who shot first.

No, actually, I don't intend to stop making Nintendo jokes, thanks for asking!

Look, Kasumi does one thing and she does it well.

SATURDAY POST: Zaeed's Cooking Corner

Nothin' important, just enjoy the video.

Grunt: The Guddamn Thresher Maw

Oh, Zaeed. I really should do more openers with him. Zaeed tells a hundred and seventy five stories throughout the entire Mass Effect canon, let me summarize them for you:

• "I _____ once."
• *mundane shit happens*
• "Everyone died."

The man can't go to the gas station and get a snickers without leaving a blood trail, he's awful.

I am only assuming that that's what public libraries look like in Canada.

So I think I'll give Garrus a rare break today!

I had planned to take Zaeed on this mission anyway, but now it becomes extra significant: Robin Sachs, Zaeed's voice actor, died very recently. Let's have an MSPixel for him.

The party meets the shaman in the Tuchanka wastelands.

I mean, the whole damn planet is a wasteland, but.

Uh. So. Let's get to pressing that keystone.

(Who the hell is that that comes over the loud speaker? Do the krogans just, like, have a guy that hangs out and waits for baby krogans to hit puberty?)

Anyway, a few varren come out, that's not so bad.

Shep, hit that keystyone again.

(That's the rachni. Just in case.)

I worry that some day someone from the Bioware art department will find MSPixel and just bawl their eyes out.

Shep, the keystone, let's go.

SHIT! That's our old friend the thresher maw!

(My husband saw me drawing this and asked if I was drawing Thresher Martin Mull. Ar har har har. Where's your serious art blog?)

Yeah, so, I found like the one guy in the game you can't charge.

The first time I played this, my vanguard ass took cover and hid the whole time. Shepard says it herself, all you have to do is survive.

This time, I managed to kill him with the particle beam, but this is MSPixel, I can kill him any God damn way I want.

Any guddamn way I want.

Ladies and gentlemen: the only Zaeed story where someone survives.

Uvnek shows up and goes all Mean Girls on the party.

I bet at least one person thought I left the headbutt out of the last entry out of ignorance. Nah, I knew what I was doing.

Let's go see Wrex.

NEXT TIME: *gross sobbing* It's going to be that mission.