Jacob: Coulda Had A V8

I realized while out on a walk: for that last entry, why the hell didn't Samara just mind meld with the Eclipse merc and get the ship name that way? Instead of killing her? Damn, woman.

This is a thing that comes up in the game. Garrus 'researches' how to have sex with humans. Meaning?

He watches porn, porn, piles of porn, porn for you, porn for me, porn for grandma, porn for your dog, porn for everybody, all day long porn. I have no idea why there isn't dialog indicating in any of the three games that him and Joker trade stashes ... maybe Joker's not in to turians?

This is the fucking horniest game I swear to hell.

Anyway, the idea that Shepard should figure out how to ride that stallion never comes up, but I always thought that was a little sexually irresponsible, you know? She should be just as equally involved in trying to figure out how to fit her lady parts around an alien wang noodle.

I apologize for giving this much thought to responsible sexual practices with fictional aliens.

Old joke.

I considered briefly skipping Jacob's loyalty mission, because it's very short, the plot's thin, and it literally adds zero shit to the rich tapestry of the Mass Effect universe. But, for one, that wouldn't be very nice, now, would it? And for two, I have no damn clue what game I'm going to be drawing after the Mass Effect series so I've got to stretch this gravy train out as long as possible. (No one say Kingdom Hearts. I'm not doing Kingdom Hearts. I'm hoping to ride this train until they release Mass Effect 4 but you just know I won't be that lucky.)

SO ANYWAY, Jacob's been getting these transmissions from his father's ship, saying that it's in distress. But his dad's dead! He died in a ship crash! That's kind of cray, let's go check that shit out.

EDI, tell me what you're thinking!

You can go explore the downed ship if you want, it's pretty huge. Must've had a big crew. You can also go along and hear some of the crew logs, and ye GODS they are creepy and fucked up, but the most important thing to stumble on is an old AI active in the area.

Uh. Huh. This ship's been crashed a long time, which begs the question:

Um. Let's ask again about that food?

Oh. So, in short, they eat the food here, it fucks up their brains. This planet is kind of like a budget version of Feros.

Shepard and crew walk about thirty feet until they meet some of the locals.

There's women all over! They're ... they ain't right, though. Sometimes the men ambush you with guns, but they ain't really sticking around and doing colonist stuff.

Let's talk to a few more of the locals.

Okay, there's a long sequence here where Jacob reads off the datapad. Instead of letting triangle people tell it to you, I'll just bullet list it for you:

• Just like Jacob said, the crew was forced to eat the tainted food that caused neural decay while the untainted food on the ship was saved for the officers.
• The officers exiled the men. It's never made clear if they became violent because they ate the food or because they were exiled and pissed.
• They "assigned women to the officers like pets."
• Yeah, eww.
• After the beacon was fixed, the officers appear in the ship's casualty list. Shit, did Jacob's dad kill the officers?!

They never outright say it, but there's a heavy cloud of sexual abuse hanging all over this mission. Most of the horny in the game is lighthearted 'oh ho ho look at this four-balled alien hey a sex vampire', this is ... this is pretty awful.

I can't come up with why they took this turn for Jacob's loyaty mission. I mean, I know why these sorts of stories exist, so at the very least we can look at Ronald Taylor as a warning and go 'tut tut, at least I'm not that guy', but still, eww.

It's an odd choice for a Jacob story, too. They couldn't do anything with Jacob's alliance buddies? Or maybe something about the even that lead him to Cerberus?

Poor dumb bastard can't even star in his own loyalty mission.

Eventually, we come up on Jacob's dad, but I'm not actually sure I want to.

I mean, the guy tries to justify what he did, but ... how do you?

Hopefully, yes!

... but we're left with one question: who the hell forwarded that distress signal to Jacob?

Oh, hey! Miranda did it? But why?

Huh. Well. So ends our tail of horrifying space debaucery. Let's hope next week that we get back to the capricious hornitude of --

Orrrrrr we could just get right back to it right away.

NEXT TIME: let's lick a toad.

Samara: Half Baked

We would be remiss if we did not take some time to visit one of the most popular NPCs in the Mass Effect universe.

I actually thought about skipping him, but how could you?

It may be up for some debate as to how he got so biotic --

-- yeah, okay, so no it's not.

I love moments in the Mass Effect universe where you see all these wild, fantastic aliens in all these hyperfuturistic settings doing average joe shit.

Like sitting with your feet up, dicking around on your space kindle.

Or drinking a coke. Also apparently coke survived this far into the future.

So begins the boss battle to the end of this section: you take out the coke drinking Eclipse merc, you get the justicar. Easy, right?

Okay, remember that red sand Pitne For was smuggling? He left it laying around, the jackass, and now there's red sand all over the battle field.

It doesn't do anything to characters who don't have biotics. I'm not even sure it raises their toxitiy level, but I don't know.

Biotic characters, though, get kite high and get like hella biotic. Which is nice for taking the Eclipse merc out.

DAMN biotic detonation as a vanguard rules. Try that shit. Try that shit in multiplayer, even. Truly, it is the raddest.

After the fight:

So! Let's bring three entries worth of shit to the detective, and see what's what!

... I think that Sex Boat entry is the most popular thing I have ever written in my life time. I think they're going to put Sex Boat on my grave. That's one of the more popular keywords for getting to MSPixel, did you know?

By the way, I was checking on my keywords the other day, and someone got to MSPixel using the search, "tali gets fucked by geth hentai". What in the hell do you think I'm drawing here!? I don't even what to know who that was. Don't tell me.

... this is actually factually what happens, Shepard hands off the evidence, the detective says she can't use it, Samara says she can, and the detective's like, "rad, I totally can now."

... WHAT. I have a VERY good understanding of the legal system because I've watched HUNDREDS OF HOURS of Law and Order, original AND SVU thanks so much, and I don't think it quite works like that! Unless asari courts are different? Bioware's Canadian, does Canadian law work like this? Like, "Oh, you said this evidence is good, ey? Oh, it's okay, we trust you know what yer talking aboot."

Wait, I don't think they have murder in Canada. Don't they just like, get mad and shake their fists instead? Maybe that's why Bioware has such a loose understanding of what a law even is.

But then, we still come to the matter that Shepard's murdered hundreds of bodies inside a crime scene and no one gives a shit, so maybe I should just stop talking.