Cronos Station: It Means "Doesn't Go"

I forgot how wordy the ending of Cronos Station is. You guys don't need to worry about me running out of material, I think the ending of Mass Effect will take me WELL past Andromeda. D:

Actual file footage of the Citadel right now:

"Bean, you jacked that image from your rendition of Paragon Lost." Yes, yes I did, because the Citadel also orbited Earth in that pile. I swear I remember some nerd getting mad and giving Very Many Science Reasons as to why the Citadel can't orbit Earth, but I kind of tuned out because I tend to do that when nerds get mad.

I mean, there might be a science reason, but it's fucking Mass Effect. Good news! Asari aren't real either! There's no such place as Ilos!

This would have been a hell of a place for a cut scene. The game still does the 'heads talking' thing (that's super easy to draw and basically makes MSPixel possible), but hell, we can pretend, can't we:

... who the fuck?

Give you three guesses, first two don't count.

bwahahaha kai leng winning the smash vote wouldn't the salt be real

still mad that my precious baby captain toad didn't get it

Sadly, this section doesn't divide as evenly as I want it to, so you'll have to catch more next time. You know, on Friday.

I mean, hell, what could you possibly be doing on Friday?

Cronos Station: Vendetta Awakens

Spoiler free Star Wars review: it was badass. I'm not sure if it's my favorite? It's totally great though, go see it.

My favorite Star Wars is Episode 2. There's a reason y'all don't want me doing KOTOR.

Last time, we were trying to summon Vendetta. He's our only hope.

The Protheans invented Clippy.

... uh, okay. The Citadel is the thing that makes the crucible fire. I guess. So someone figured they could just jam an entire space station into their dick shaped super weapon to make it go. I ... guess the Protheans never heard of duracell. Who was the dumb fuck who even came up with that? How do you even think of that? You don't stumble on that one by, say, accident. Do you? Fuck, that should've been the plot of Mass Effect Andromeda, just follow around the Prothean scientist that accidentally STUCK THE CITADEL IN THE CRUCIBLE.

... also, they already used the Citadel as the big bad MacGuffin, didn't they? It's what zapped us out to dark space in the end of Mass Effect 1. That Citadel, I tell you what, it's pretty damn useful!

You know, there were little robot guys on the Citadel in Mass Effect 1 that were built up to be super important, and then just dropped like a hot rock. Maybe they could have jammed a few of those fuckers in there?

A little Mass Effect history for you: before Mass Effect 3 was released, the entire script was leaked. However, the leaked script was an earlier draft, different than the actual script for the game. In that draft, the original catalyst trigger was Javik. He was even supposed to get kidnapped back on Thessia.

So yeah, the Citadel is a little dumb, but it could have been way, way worse.

Also, it just occurred to me like right now, but I bet you "Thessia" is pronounced differently in different regions of the US. It probably follows however you pronounce "greasy."

Vendetta is like the biggest asshole in the series, I swear to hell. You could ask him to spell his name and he'd recite a recipe for cookies.

Why. Why. Why, you dick.

"Hey, Vendetta, how do you get to Ilos?" "First, you take a cup of sugar, and you cream it into the butter -- "

Cronos Station: The Colors!

Let's keep going with Brother TIM.

Eeeeven though you're going to yak at us the entire entry.

Alternative smartass answer:

It's super hard not to make Brother TIM into a strawman in this section, but honestly, everything he says is so damn stupid. (I like that I drew Shepard sitting for this section. It's like, yo, I'm not even gonna stand up for your dumb ass.)

Do you remember a thousand years ago when I told you that you HAD to pick the paragon/renegade option for TIM every time it comes up? Let's do that now.

What? My hand slipped, I have no idea what that red text is about. Bad art. It's bad art, I tell you.

Yo, I'm not, because she's a fucking robot and doesn't understand things like "alliances?"

Damn! Did my hand slip again? Sorry I'm bad at paint, guys, I just can't get the colors on the text under control.

This section doesn't divide nicely, we'll have to pick it up Friday.