Cronos Station: Art

I just gave EDI more character in that one line than Bioware did in the entire trilogy. Bam, come at me.

Star Wars is not my thing. I particularly can't deal with Star Wars nerds. Have you ever met one that likes Star Wars? They all hate the Star Wars movies. Husbando~, a Star Wars nerd, wants to go to the premier. I will be wearing my best Star Trek uniform.

"Oh no, Bean, does that mean that KOTOR is off the table?" KOTOR is so off the table.

"BEAN HOLY FUCK YOU CAN'T DRAW" Holy fuck, I know, but that's supposed to be the room that Brother TIM has been sitting in the entire trilogy. You just, like, roll the fuck in, it's badass.

Everybody welcome, live from a hologram, Brother TIM!

... okay, so. I thought at Sanctuary they were just trying to make reaper troops. Cerberus was trying to control humans, I guess? That makes no sense. They want to save humanity, I thought, not control them.

Actually, it makes perfect sense when you consider that (spoiler, highlight to read): Brother TIM is indoctrinated. The reapers can just use him to reap as many humans as they want. He's a great pawn with all of his resources and fat stacks of cash. Makes you wonder why they bothered with Saren!

... that's not helpful, TIM!

We have a long conversation with the holographic bastard that we'll have to let play out next time.

SATURDAY POST: Hot Dog!

We should share more! Because unbelievably, I play more than Mass Effect.

Such as.

I love how this isn't even funny to people who've played it. This is all, like, stone cold facts.

Cronos Station: Mass Effect Ascension

I love the way Shepard slides down ladders.

Hold the hell on, I blew the base up, how did Cerberus get ahold of the baby reaper?

I googled it, and apparently, if you give it to Brother TIM, you get the head, and if you blow it up, you get the heart. Which is not a good answer. I exploded it, how did they get the heart?!

Continuing on through --

-- we come to our final console.

This time Shepard has no clever dialouge with her squadmates, it's just her, checking out some space YouTube.

They are, of course, referring to our wonderful friend Paul Grayson, the most important Mass Effect character to never appear on screen. Honestly, if you're going to read one piece of media, I'm going to insist on Mass Effect Ascension.

There's no conversation between videos, so that responsibility falls on me.

I honestly thought the point of Sanctuary was to create reaper forces. It was to control humans? ... but Cerberus is trying to save humans?

Plot hole time: okay, so Brother TIM wants to control reapers. And humans. But putting some cybernetics in Shepard to control her and make sure she doesn't, I don't know, steal the SR2, run back to the Alliance and then later bust into the Cerberus base and kill anyone? Why sir, that is horrifying! No controls on Shepard. Only Shepard. What the hell.

... also, on what planet was Sanctuary considered a success?

Um, I was more hoping that we could discuss the fact that YOU'RE FILLED UP TO THE GODDAMN BRIM WITH REAPER PARTS but ey, if you say cut off the recording, I'll cut it off.

MSPixel The Musical

Toby Fox stole my joke, film at 11.

Diaba is right, though, when last we left off, we found out that EDI had thwarted a Cerberus attempt to retake the Normandy by uploading porn to their servers. Really.

I've been foreshadowing this, but I'm putting a pin right here. This is the horniest moment in the trilogy.

"But Bean, this game has multiple sex scenes. Wouldn't a portion where they actually fuck be in the running?" I'm arguing that this is the horniest moment because it has the least reason to be horny. It's gratuitous. I mean, let's go through some shit:

Or!

Or!

wait that's still porn okay hold on OR EVEN WHAT IF

HA HA NO OF COURSE WE WOULDN'T USE A MASS EFFECT WOULD WE?!

"Bean, you can't upload a mass effect." What can you do with it?! Evidently not much!

Strap in.

oh yes i did.