Garrus: Dr. Saleon

There's your fucking PSA for today. Quit eating shitty peanut butter. Shepard said so.

Going down our list of sidequests that other characters give you, next we come to the strange tale of Garrus.

Or, specifically, his strange tale of Dr. Saleon. Back when Garrus was working at C-Sec as a mall cop, which was like 20 minutes ago so damnit you really should remember, there was this dude named Dr. Saleon, who was in to organs in a big way.

dick joke

He'd harvest organs from poor people, or perhaps grow organs inside people, and then sell said organs for profit. Garrus makes a big deal about all the krogan testicles he sold. Some krogans thought that maybe if they got new balls, their genophage would be cured.

See, and they'd buy four of those balls.

Four.

The game will never in ten million years let the four ball thing go. You just wait til ME2, mister.

So anyway, Garrus manages to catch Saleon and his sacks and sacks of krogan testicles (he had a multiple of four, I'm sure.) I forgot how Garrus caught Saleon, maybe he shoplifted a Hot Topic? Anyway, for whatever reason, C-Sec wouldn't let him nail the guy on charges, so he got away.

The game makes this thing about Shepard being something of a mentor to Garrus ... it's not a huge thing, not like krogans having four nuts (they have four nuts, okay?), but it's in there. Shepard's responses to Garrus in ME1 shape two whole lines of dialogue in ME2, so choose wisely.

Garrus talks about wanting to shoot down Saleon's ship, which probably would have destroyed a huge section of the Citadel and taken out a zillion civilians, but lolwhatevs. He's pissy because C-Sec won't let him. Here's one of those 'Garrus shaping' decisions! Shepard can tell him that yes, he should have immolated countless of innocent bystanders, or she can react like a normal person.

Either way, Garrus has the coordinates to Saleon's ship, so let's traipse off and find some krogan balls.

The second the team sets foot in the ship, husks roll up. I really should have addressed husks by now, that's my fault. Let's fix this.

Stop laughing at my shitty husks!

Husks are Mass Effect's answer to zombies. They're humanoid ... icky ... dead looking things with blue lights all over them. Did Saleon make them? Maybe, but they were on Eden Prime too. Do the geth make husks? Does Saleon have a random geth army back there? Or does he just have geth balls? How many testicles does a geth have? None of you answer that, I'm happier not knowing. Mass Effect will address robot sex soon enough. (Really.)

Husks also go down like a little bitch when you use biotics, so. You did bring Liara, right?

Eventually, you roll up on Dr. Saleon. The game does something funny here ... one of you will be able to explain it, I'm sure, but I'm the one with the blog so let me just give you my extra shitty shot:

Garrus is like, "THAT'S HIM! Let's shoot and kill the bastard!" and Shep's like, whoa, champ, let's just turn him in instead, okay? No shooting and killing. Noooooooooo shooooooooooooting.

So then the game flips from dialogue to combat mode, and before I know what the hell is going on, Garrus shoots the guy. Seriously, three seconds flat and he's down.

Which gets this line out of Shepard:

Which then gets this line out of me:

And thus ends our tale of testicallia. That's a word now, okay? But never fear, I'll be back soon with more tales of balls. So many balls. Did you know? Wrex has a line in the game about a "turian's right nut", implying that turians have a left nut, which means that turians have at least two testicles. They could have three, I guess, but probably not four because then Wrex would have said something like "right center nut". This is assuming, of course, that the other aliens line their balls up laterally, which I guess turians do at least if they have a right and left testicle. Krogans, on the other hand, keep two of their four balls (they have four balls) inside.

FUCK YOU IF I HAVE TO KNOW THIS SHIT SO DO YOU.