Ilos: Final Stretch

So, uh, hey Admiral Hackett, you wanted to talk?

I can never make Shepard punch al-Jilani in the face, I don't have the heart. What if al-Jilani's kid was watching the news that evening?

I'm not making that up, either, you can clock her in the face Anderson style if you want. Hackett has some, err, slightly different dialogue if you do.

I think, but I'm not sure, that this is where the Bioware Sex Scene comes in if you've been working toward that. Like I said, I play ME1 lone wolf style. My Shepard spends the evening with a dirty magazine and maybe a, um, inappropriate toy.

I just drew that.

MASS EFFECT TRIVIA: The most popular porno mag in the Mass Effect universe is Fornax, a magaine dedicated to cross-species porn. I am not even making it up in the slightest. Mass Effect: The Horniest Game.

Anyway, let's all cram into the cockpit and go to Ilos.

"Bean," you ask thoughtfully, "who the hell is that standing next to Shepard?"

Meet Presley. This is literally the only time in any of the three games that he does anything. Remember the beginning of the game, when Anderson was the captain of the Normandy and Shepard was the executive officer? Second in command? Spock, if you will? When Shep stepped up to captain, they gave Presley the job of second. The only time you're ever even really aware of him is when Shepard leaves the Normandy and a robot voice says, "XO Presley has the deck." You can talk to him, but he's honestly pretty easy to miss and all he does is spout space racism. In ME2 you find out he spent his time creepin' up on Tali. Classy!

He's a really odd addition to the cast, and truly could have been left out. In fact, they could have taken care of the whole thing once and for all by promoting Shepard to captain when she got spectre status and Kaidan to commander and letting him do the XO duties, whatever the hell those even are.

"But Bean, what if Kaidan and Shepard both had to go planet side?" Dude, you must've noticed by now that the Normandy has some fucked up methods of operations. Shepard had to go planet side all the time when she was the XO (Eden Prime?), and when she gets promoted? They send her commanding officer ass right into battle all the time like it's not a thing. Anderson got to stay on the damn ship when he was captain! Mass Effect borrowed enough from Star Trek, it may as well have gone full tilt and sent Shepard, Presley/Kaidan and Chawkwas on every damn mission.

Enough of my bitching. So, Presley's having heart episodes over the fact that there's no good place to land the mako on Ilos. Like, you need ... some meters to land, or something, and they only have, um ... less ... look, I didn't pay attention that hard. Everyone's yelling, Presley's reaching for his nitro, it's a giant mess.

And Joker's like, "No way, dude, I got this!

And Presley's all trying to answer and shit, but he's too busy hyperventilating.

And Joker's like, "No, fuck you, I've got this!"

So Shepard piles the shore party into the Mako, and Joker shoots them out into whatever his impossibly tiny little hole is.

(See, and once again, "Oh, there's something super dangerous to do! Let's take the commanding officer, shove her in the mako, and hope she only dies a little bit!)

Hey! If you're playing the game for the first time, trust my ass on this, do not go to Ilos without a biotic character or two. If you made Shepard not biotic, you dumbass, THAT MEANS LIARA NEEDS TO BE IN YOUR PARTY. Don't half ass it with Kaidan or Wrex.

There's your PSA for today. Anyway, Joker just so happens to dump Shepard right next to the door that Saren is currently going in!

Well shit. Looks like we'll have to find another way into Ilos' ... uh ... thing. Look, if Saren's going into it, it's probably important!

So Shep and the Shepettes go tromping around Ilos. Important to note! Shepard comes across these statues as she's going about:

Ahahahhaha the nerd tears will be delicious. They will make my skin soft.

Anyway, so, eventually they come on this security panel thing. Because this is sci-fi, Shepard activates it immediately without any forethought as to whether or not it would kill her, and the shore party lets her, because who the hell gives a damn if the CO gets killed?

This ... uh, thing pops up. It's a big ass hologram, I guess, but it's scrambled.

The hologram is speaking in Prothean. The universal translator can't pick Prothean up, so all non-Shepards in the party are lost, but Shepard had Prothean beamed into her head by the various beacons that love her, so she totally understands the beacon.

This makes Liara squeeful. Hahahahha, get used to that shit. Bitch loves Protheans.

Either way, the beacon isn't clear. It opens up that door that Shepard and pals needed open, though, so let's go through it!

In the motherfucking MAKO!

As you drive along, you see some glowing pods on the wall. The fuck are those things?

NEXT TIME: The fuck those things are.

Citadel: In The Face

Someone posed something to me. Hang with me on this next paragraph, I promise this is on-topic.

I think we can all agree that The Avengers isn't a good portrayal of Norse mythology. Yes? Good. But, Norse myth is so damn old, and most of it was oral, ergo, we're really never going to have an accurate portrayal of the story of Loki and Thor and pals. It would be like jumping a few thousand years ahead, and trying to talk with someone in the future about Professor Snape. To make it better, all Future Person has is two stained pages from a Harry Potter book, three fanfics (and, if you know anything about Harry Potter fanfiction, you know that that's going to go over well) and maybe 30 seconds of some nerd podcast to go on.

Future Person asks you, was Snape a good guy or a bad guy? But people argue over that NOW, how are you going to talk to Future Person about it? All he knows is that Snape diddled Hermione and turned into an elephant to fuck Remus.

Which led me, in a round about way, to think of story archival. Ye gods, what if all the copies of Mass Effect were destroyed? I know this is a huge stretch, because of all the digital copies, but play pretend with me.

It makes what I'm doing sound way more important that it actually is! What if, in the future, the only record they have of Shepard and pals are my shitty ass drawings?

Ha, sobering.

But seriously. First of all, I've left a few characters out.

What do you do, jam them all in at the last minute in some sort of poorly painted Hail Mary?

But seriously, I'm not sure I like the idea of future generations only having MSPixel to go on.

Even though I think I can sleep at night knowing that in the year 3500, they will know that Kaidan is a turd bag. I'm good with that.

There's a lot, though, that I can't show off. Like the wide open glory of the Presidium, or what it actually feels like to steer the Mako in some lava.

And then, too, there's facts about Shepard that I've lent her that may or may not be true ... hey, future people, not all Shepards were redheads! Not all of them liked peanut butter! Some Shepards call mom sometimes, some don't!

I don't even want to think about Professor Future at Future Horse Shit University writing a paper on the implications of Garrus and Wrex jamming out to One Direction. Wait, speaking of aliens, I haven't left any alien races out, have I?

Is there a way to make this more fair, more even handed?

Fuggit, let's just go to Ilos.

NEXT TIME: Hackett might have some words with us.

Citadel: Lockin' and Poppin'

Hey, everyone! Let's go back to the Citadel and get all those reinforcements that Udina promised! Then Shepard and buddies will be able to go to Ilos and beat the hell out of Saren with all those reinforcements! YAY REINFORCEMENTS!

You have probably figured out by now that this whole reinforcement thing is not going to happen.

So Shepard goes to meet Udina and the Council. The Council's involvement is your first hint that this reinforcement thing is not going to happen.

So the Council's all like, "Hey, good work Shep! We've put troops at every mass relay to keep Saren from coming in to our space systems!" (Mass relays let people jump from space system to space system. They're powered by mass effects. Once again, I'll say, "Mass Effect" is a colossally stupid name for this game series.)

And Shepard's like, "Okay, but reinforcements."

And the Council's all, "Okay, but no."

See, that kobyashi maru scenario pops up again: Ilos is in the Terminus systems, and the Council is afraid that sending anything out there: Shepard, Shepard + Reinforcements, anything might start a war between the Terminus Systems and council space.

Shepard, I hate it for you, but old boy's got a point about the nuke.

Shepard tries to tell the Council about the reapers, but they don't buy it. Udina freaks the hell out, kicks a puppy, and suggests that they lock the Normandy out so that Shepard can't do any more Sheparding.

I mean, it's a political move to show that Shepard != humans, but still,

It's like the one renegade option I take in Mass Effect 1.

So, they bitch at each other a bit, allow me to sum it up pictorially:

So Shepard goes back to the Normandy and cools her heels for a bit. If you tried to get in Ashley/Kaidan/Liara's space suit, they'll come and have a scene with Shepard where they ~almost kiss~ and it's ~so romantic~. If you play ME1 masturbation style, like I do, you get a quick scene with Joker.

Huh! Off to Flux. Flux is the bar on the Citadel that doesn't have hookers. Ta daaaa.

So anyway, errbody roll up to Flux, takes in the shitty beep boop music, and finds Anderson alone at a table.

That's what happens, too, Shepard and Anderson sit down at a table and your two squadmates just stand there and look awkward as hell.

And also, if I can be a huge nerd for a second, seriously skip this paragraph if you can't take me being a huge nerd, what the hell is Anderson wearing in this scene? At first I thought it was some sort of muscle shirt, and I was like, hey, Bioware, that's awful nice of you, I mean I can see how Anderson could be old hot and all, even though I'm not gonna lie I'm a little weirded out by this whole ordeal of thinking of the guy like that well anyway this post just got really fucking awkward, but then I saw that it had straps and shit on it, so what, is it a totally black set of Alliance fatigues? Why do they make that? No other character wears those. You do not see any character ever wear those ever again over any of the three games. It tasks me.

Anderson's got this plan, see: he's going to pop the locks off the Normandy and send everybody sailing off to Ilos. Sure, he'll be left back at the Citadel guilty as the living sin, but he's chill with that.

He gives you two choices as to how he springs you, but seriously, there's only one correct answer.

I did not make a moment of that up. Udina's in his office, chillin' and updating his spacebook page or whatever, and Anderson comes in and cold cocks the guy in the face before jacking his computer and typing really hard.

Somehow Anderson types the thing that unlocks the Normandy, so we're off! NEXT TIME: Ilos, and maybe someone will get some ice for Udina.

Virmire: Some Straight Bullshit

So, Joker's got Shepard on the horn, right?

You'd say the same thing, don't even lie.

Philosophical discussions with century old death machine bugs are nice, but there's a tac nuke to worry about, so Shep and Shadow team have to get moving. They hustle out to the bomb site, which is weirdly in the middle of a shallow pool of water? I don't know, I don't usually make tac nukes. Anyway, Ashley set us up the bomb.

There is not a moment of that I made up. The bomb looks like a lady bug, and Saren really does roll in on a magic space skateboard.

The first thing Shepard does is do that standard action hero thing where she empties a clip and a half into Saren with no results whatsoever. He deflects them using his biotics.

shepard honey just quit fucking shooting you might need those bullets one day

So, anyway, Shepard takes cover, and Saren does that standard action bad guy thing where he lays out his entire plan before her. See, the reapers are all going to fuck us in the ass, right? No, see, but it's cool, because Saren's going to help. He's useful. So that means they won't reap him. Right? Right guyse?

Failproof.

I went there! Bought the shirt!

So Saren's like, "Nuh uh, I asked Soveregin, and he said yes, and then he bought me ice cream, and we're totally boyfriend and reaperfriend right now it's true I doodled his name on my notebook," and Shepard's like, "You are too dumb to even argue with, get out of my face," and then the tac nuke's alarm goes off, and that's sort of a thing.

No, seriously, instead of running like hell, Saren decides to pick Shepard up and ... I don't know, play with her? Whatevs, Shep has a plan.

Saren becomes the first in a long list of bitches that Shep cold clocks in the face.

Shepard picks up Ashley for reasons I don't understand, and they high tail it out of there. I feel bad that I left Liara out of the cast photo I did back with Kirrahe, let's see if I can get everyone this time.

Shepard, Ashley, Liara, Garrus, Tali, Wrex, Kirrahe, Kaidan ... yup! That's all of them! Let's go!

So, anyway, you get a touching scene of Shepard looking out the window of the Normandy while boom goes the dynamite.

Afterwards, Liara gets awful interested in Shepard's head again. Did that Prothean beacon Shepard encountered on Virmire add anything to the vision Shepard had?

(Err, by the way, the vision? It's seriously not that important. They'll forget about it in the next two games. The images don't mean much -- Sovereign gave you more relevant information anyway. You can watch it here if you give two shits.)

But, Liara does love a good head fucking.

Liara is like, ooo, oh my, I still can't tell shit from it, and I'm like, well hell, I could have gotten you that far. But then Liara's all, ooo! Ilos! Let's go to Ilos, Saren's there!

I don't ... I guess red blurs mean Ilos.

Right after, Udina calls the Normandy, and he's all, "Good news! Come back to the Citadel! The Council's going to give you some reinforcements!"

NEXT TIME: To the Citadel! For reinforcements! Thanks, Udina!

Virmire: Sovereign

Were Mass Effect a film, or a book, or one of those art forms that was actually, you know, legit in some manner, this would be one of Those Scenes that Professor Bullshit of Fuckstone University would write his dissertation on and present it at The Convention Of Sexually Frustrated Academics to much great applause.

For this is where Shepard meets Saren's magical spaceship, Sovereign.

First off, we need to quit saying "magical spaceship". Sovereign is a reaper. Remember that thing Benezia was talking about in Sarenistotallyguilty100%.mp3? Taa daaaaa.

Reapers are giant space bugs. They're the big fucking spider things we saw all over Eden Prime. During this sequence, just so he can kind of scale down to Shepard, Sovereign appears in a hologram instead of in person. (You later learn that Sovereign is a baby reaper, and they make bigger reapers. Damn!)

This scene is significant because it's the only time in the three games where Shepard and the reapers really get to talk. ... enh, I mean, there's the one in ME2, but he doesn't ... you'll see. This is it for the reapers stepping up and explaining what they're all about, and the only time you'll ever get any direct quotes regarding reaper plans and motivations.

So what's the first thing this super significant space bug has to say to us?

You laugh, this sums up the reapers quite nicely.

So, legit, what does Sovereign say? Here, have a direct quote from the game: "We [the reapers] are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

I want you to promise me that you'll remember that come Mass Effect 3, because you'll need that piece of information. Sovereign just told you the reaper's Final Solution, most people just don't realize it because it's under some flowery bullshit.

But, uh, point being, the reapers? Are gonna kill us all dead. Specifically, they do it at the end of their cycles (Liara mentioned this), at "the apex of their glory," 'their' in this case being whatever organic life is chilling around in the galaxy. It used to be the Protheans, now it's the ... uh ... actually, they're after a couple of different races. Humans are on the list, though.

But, to be quite frank, the reapers give no shits, they'll reap everybody just because they forgot to get a mid-morning snack or whatever. NOT EVEN THE ELCOR ARE SAFE YOU GUYS.

The reapers made the Citadel. Oh, and the mass relays, too! They like leaving technology lying around so that organic life develops along the path that the reapers want. This ensures that organic life gets to the point in develop that the reapers need to reap.

"But Bean, what the hell is that point?" -- I love you, but you can never know. Until Mass Effect 3, anyway. But rest assured, the reapers have gotten us right where they want us. YAY.

So, there's another direct quote from Sovereign that always makes me snort:

Bah! No, but really. He goes on:

And here we come to the crux of what makes Commander Shepard tick.

See, you can make Shep a lot of things. Male, female, black, white, gay, straight, theist, atheiest, saint, dick, loves peanut butter, whatever. Anything! But there is one thing that runs common through every Shepard ever imagined by any player:

No reaper tells Shepard what to do and lives through it.

First of all, that's an exact quote. Yes, I died too when I heard it. Holla at, ME3, holla at.

Second: get used to Shepard Getting Mat At Reapers. It will happen only slightly less than the krogans having four balls thing.

You can watch the conversation here, if you want more than the highlight reel I laid out:

Anyway, Sovereign gets pissed and makes some windows explode while cutting off the conversation right as Joker calls.