Kasumi's Eleven

Sometimes squadmates can suggest improvements to the Normandy. You know, because fucking Jack and Grunt have degrees in space engineering.

Sometimes I let my husband pick what mission we go on next, and he's been begging for Kasumi forever because he is madly and unabashedly in love with Kasumi. So I'll give in today, and we'll go on Kasumi's mission, and maybe this will ease the ache in his soul caused by not being able to bed Kasumi.

Those are jokes, of course. He's already informed me that he's leaving me for his asari infiltrator from ME3 multiplayer. I can't blame him, everyone wants the blue.

Kasumi and her loyalty mission are both DLC, and Bioware, out of the kindess of their hearts, decided to throw in a casual outfit that Shepard can wear around the Normandy. Which, aww, thanks Bioware. Of course, Bioware worked it into the mission too.

Mr. Shepards get a black space tuxedo. I think it looks too plain to be any fun, but I am The Only Person On The Internet to hold this opinion. Miss Shepards?

You are free to skip the next paragraphs if you can't take me talking about Space Culture.

I'm being a little cute in my drawings, the dress isn't that short. Knee length. Esque. It is, however, the only dress in the galaxy that is that length. Every female in the galaxy wears floor length dresses. Go look on the Citadel, tell me I'm wrong!

Why? Really, it's so Bioware didn't have to render legs and feet. It's a pretty good programming trick. I have a sneaking suspicion that asari are the dominant species in the galaxy in part because it means less feet for Bioware to render. Hell, go look at Dragon Age, it's the reason all the men in that game wear big ass robes.

But, if we are to assume death of the author, then everyone in the galaxy wears long dresses for some sort of cultural reason, and Shepard running around with her calves exposed looks weird at best and scandalous at worst.

Another good point: every one else in the galaxy wears super bright colors. Why is Shepard in black? Really, she's in black because Bioware couldn't reliably predict what colors would look good on your personal Shepard, but then we assume death of the author and it is a shitty mess.

Would be a semi-rad dress in this time period, though.

So Kasumi briefs us in her own little shuttle ship as we fly to the mission site. Hey, Kasumi, what are we doing?

... I have a treat for you children today. I was able to get my (shitty) screenshot software working! Which is good, because this next thing? I'm not fucking drawing it! I'm fucking not!

Okay, so. We don't address Male Shepard a lot, because why would you even, but he exists. What Bioware usually did in ME2 was render something with Dude Shepard, and then shove Girl Shepard in for him. You can see it in scenes where Shepard sits down, because both Shepards sit with their legs wide open.

But this scene, there's a shot across Shepard's chest, and if you're Guy Shepard it's not a thing, but Girl Shepard ... I'm not fucking drawing it, just look at the screenshot.

God fucking damnit, Bioware. See, and if I had drawn that, you wouldn't have believed me, but there it is.

Let us run screaming back to my shitty art.

Which, amazingly, is not a metaphor for an old vagina. Good on you, Bioware. Still doesn't forgive the tit shot, but we're making progress.

Hey, Kasumi, give us a voice over and tell us what the plan is.

Easy! Let's go greet Donovan Hock and see what he's got for us.

REALLY. REALLY NOW. Well, sure, why not.

NEXT TIME: More of that fucking dress.

Inthane in the Membrane

As Shepard goes along, she keeps finding rooms full of Salarian workers hiding from all the chaos.

So anyway, let's go get to Nasana Dantius, and by extension, Thane.

Shepard and pals have to cross this windy bridge, and I think it's supposed to affect gameplay? Maybe if you're a sniper person. Vanguard overhere don't notice a difference.

Nasana lives in this big ass tower, and rolling up to it is not at all like rolling up to the final castle in a fantasy game. Don't forget Bioware's roots, kids. I mean, look, there was a drawbridge and everything!

You know, Mario can eat it, when I think of The Final Level of a video game, I always think of Pete's castle at the end of The Magical Quest Starring Mickey Mouse. That was a HELL of a game, you all ought to take an afternoon to play it. That was the first game I ever bought with my own money. And beat! The sequel was pretty good too. What was that one called, The Great Circus Mystery or something? It was spectacular, go play it. It's two player co-op, too, which PS WHY didn't Mass Effect 3 have?

That is a hell of a derail, good thing no one ever reads the text!

I think you're supposed to take cover and shoot the mercs down off the balcony, but like I said, vanguard. Those mercs can eat area pull.

Some one will argue that I should have gone for heavy pull, but I love area pull ever so much.

And now, finally, Shep and the Shepettes come to Nasana, who is frantically fighting for her life.

Meanwhile, in the vents:

WELL! Mr. Krios can take care of his own shit, that's for sure!

(I know you can tell from my delicate renderings that look exactly like they were carved scrimshaw, but just in case, Thane is a drell. You can probably figure out where this is about to go.)

Thane lays Nasana out on her desk.

Well then!

We're going to have to air this out right here: I've got no beef with Thane personally, but you've already figured out that I didn't plan on doing him. He's the third romance option, and you can totally do him, by the way. I guess if you're going to do an alien, he's not awful looking? Then, I wouldn't have sex with a turian either, so.

I don't do Thane's romance path because ... okay, when people blink they look like --, right? Thane does this thing where he blinks, and his eyes shut like ||. It freaks me out so badly that I couldn't have Shepard flirt with him if I wanted to. Sorry, I know there's people out there who are big Thane fans.

More for Tali I guess.

Every character, once recruited, gets a lovely scene in the conference room where Shepard welcomes them to the Sex Boat Normandy. It serves as a solemn reminder that I can't draw the conference room.

Horny ass game.

NEXT TIME: A little bit of T and A. You know, like always.

Chitikka and Garrick

The cake is a lie, so on.

"Someday I'll learn to draw sandwiches that have more than lettuce on them," and other lies Bean has told.

This is actually a throw away gag with Mordin, but let's expand.

Good thing the game doesn't make any sort of assertion as to who this mysterious varren fucker could be!

So anyway, we've only got one guy left to grab before, welp, ME3, so let's go after Thane Krios. Hey, random detective on Ilos, hook us up!

Nasana Dantius does Buisness with Buisness People on Illium. Maybe the game explains it more, but I seriously didn't pay attention. Anyway, our Bro Thane was hired to off her. The task now becomes making sure Thane survives. Nasana surviving? Enh, Shepard's kind of either-way on that one.

Actually, engineers can summon their own combat drones. I have a friend who named hers Combie. Combie is kind of a big deal. Hey, yo, Tali, what'd you name yours?

The combat drone -- sorry, Chitikka is pretty handy, because she can float around the battle field and shoot shit for you.

God, I know you all just can't wait for my art week after week. Look at that drone. Look at him. DaVinci don't got shit on me.

And also explode and kill folk.

Tali's actually a good one to have around on this mission, because she can also cast AI Hacking and take control of the robots.

Hopefully this doesn't cause dissension in the ranks.

Fun rainy activity: start up a game of multiplayer with your friend who likes to use sniper rifles, play vanguard, charge everything, listen to your friend bitch.

As we go through the tower, we come to a famous Mass Effect NPC, the random Elcipse dude.

... bahahaha, I just pissed some of you way the hell off. I'm the only person on the damn planet who takes the paragon path. What could the renegade path possibly be?

No one fucks with Chitikka. No one.

There's too many images for one week, we'll have to divide this entry in two.

Next time: actually Thane!